Where You End and Others Begin

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​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

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Since so many of us get this wrong, I want to begin by first clarifying what boundaries are not.

Contrary to popular belief, boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or being cold, rude or aggressive. They’re not about dumping all your frustrations and emotions on other people either.

Boundaries are not about unloading a laundry list of grievances onto another person, or dictating what they should or shouldn't do. While it may seem helpful to voice disappointment and offer constructive criticism, this approach often backfires, putting others on the defensive and obscuring the message of your boundary.

Boundaries are also not a platform for sharing your feelings. While, yes, expressing your emotions is a vital part of healthy communication, sharing your feelings is not the same thing as sharing a boundary.

Finally, boundaries are not a tool to get someone else to change their behavior. The reality is, people are allowed to be obnoxious, ignorant, know-it-all jackasses, and nothing you say or do can ever truly change that.

If you only share what you want in the sole hopes of getting the other person to change, that’s not a healthy boundary. In fact, setting boundaries with the expectation that the other person will change is a form of covert manipulation that can undermine connection and completely break trust.

So, if boundaries aren’t about saying ‘No,’ venting your feelings, or telling someone else what they need to do differently—what are they about?

At their core, boundaries are about understanding your own wants, needs, and desires, and then expressing them in a way that empowers both you and the other person; they are about building a bridge that connects you to others—honoring both Who You Are and Who They Are as well.

Boundaries are what create a safe space where everyone involved can openly share their thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or negative repercussions; they are what allow collaboration and authentic connection to thrive.

Boundaries are about creating a space that honors the needs of everyone involved and—when done correctly—they are what allow you to express your desires without the burden of expecting the other person to do anything about it.

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📚 If you enjoyed this excerpt from my book and want to go deeper, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck) is now available on Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, and as an audiobook on all your favourite platforms 🎧