When Fear Stopped Being Enough

​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

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When I first began my journey of self-discovery, I, too, was at a crossroads in my life. On the surface, everything seemed fine—I had a decent job, good friends, and a family that loved me. But deep down, I felt a persistent emptiness; a nagging sense that something was missing.

By this point, I had already spent years bouncing from therapist to therapist, each time eager and hopeful to find the secret to creating a life I wanted to live. And each time, feeling more and more hopeless when I was ultimately deemed too broken to ever feel good. It wasn’t until I met my coach that things actually began to turn around for me. In our first session, she pinpointed something that 13 years of therapy and a four-year degree in Psychology had never addressed.

And it all started with the simple question: "Why are you here?"

Honestly, at first, I didn’t even know how to answer her, but the question stuck with me. With her support and guidance, I learned to take a long, hard look at my life and I began to question the stories I had been telling myself. I realized that much of my inner narrative had been shaped by the expectations of my family and a need to please others.

I had internalized so many external voices that I had lost touch with my own.

While it wasn’t always a comfortable process, as I started to peel back the layers, I discovered that healing old wounds and confronting my triggers was much easier than I had been led to believe. For the first time, I started truly listening to my inner voice, and the more I did, the more positive effects began to ripple through other areas of my life in subtle but profound ways.

I remember one night, just a few months after I started working with my coach, I was sitting on the sofa  watching TV with my husband, when a commercial for Canada’s Got Talent came on—a spin-off of the hit American and British talent competitions. By then, I had been singing for years, but always in private where no one could hear me. Aside from the odd karaoke night fueled by ‘liquid courage,’ the only person who had ever actually heard me sing was my husband who accidentally walked in on me belting out a power ballad one day.

As we watched the commercial, my husband turned to me and said, "You know, Jen, you should totally audition for that." While his words were encouraging, my immediate response was, "No way—I'm way too chicken for that!” But as soon as the words left my mouth, something shifted inside me. It was like an epiphany and suddenly a new thought bubbled up: Is that really the only reason? And if fear is the only reason, is that enough anymore?  

It was a profound turning point for me as it was the first time I ever thought to question the story I was telling myself.

In that moment I finally saw just how much I had let fear control my life and I decided that it would no longer be enough to keep me from going after what I wanted. That simple realization changed everything and it marked the beginning of a journey I honestly never thought I’d have the strength to take. Through the wonderful support of my coach, I began to rewrite my story. I learned to set healthier boundaries, not just with others, but with myself as well, and I learned how to listen to my emotions and learn from them. I finally stopped letting fear, guilt and obligation dictate my actions and, instead, I started honoring my true desires.

Oh, and I did end up auditioning for Canada’s Got Talent after all! While I didn’t make it past the first round (my knees were shaking so badly, it’s a wonder I was able to make any sound at all!), the real victory was finding the courage to change the story I was telling myself. Despite the fear, taking that leap was a pivotal moment in my life and it opened the door for me to explore other avenues that brought more singing and music into my life.

While the transformation didn't happen overnight, the more I replaced the rigid conditions in my life with healthier, more flexible boundaries, the more aligned with my authentic self I felt. My relationships improved, my sense of purpose became more clear, and I began to feel a more profound sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Having walked this path I have learned that everyone has the power to rewrite their story and create a life that genuinely reflects Who They Are at their core. But first we need to acknowledge the story we are starting with.
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So, what is your story?