What It Means to Be Self-ish

​
​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

---

If you break it down linguistically, the word selfish is made up of two parts: the word Self followed by the suffix -ish.

The word Self is easy as it’s what we’ve been talking about for a few chapters now. Your Self refers to your essential, unique identity; the Core Essence of Who You Are that goes beyond your labels, roles and social masks and encompasses all aspects of you on all layers of reality—physical, mental, emotional and energetic. It includes your body, thoughts, feelings, consciousness, and all the other characteristics that make you, well, You.

Now, let’s look at the suffix -ish.

If you were to think back to your grade school grammar days, when you first learned about suffixes, you might recall that a suffix is a linguistic element that you add to the end of a word to change its meaning or grammatical properties. It's like adding an accessory to an outfit. Just like a hat or scarf can change the entire look and feel of what you're wearing, a suffix can change the entire meaning of a word.

For example, take the word happy.  Adding the suffix -ness transforms it into happiness, changing it from an adjective to a noun. Similarly, adding -ly to the word quick changes it to quickly, turning it into an adverb that describes how something is done.

Now, the suffix -ish is particularly interesting because it introduces a sense of approximation or flexibility to the word it accompanies. It's a way of saying that something is somewhat like the original word, but not completely.

For example, if I were to describe my neighbor as tall-ish, you would understand that I mean they are somewhat tall, but not really tall. They may have some characteristics of being tall, but maybe not enough to be outright classified as tall. Similarly, if I say my shirt is red-ish, you can understand that it's mainly red but not entirely. While it might have an overall red hue, there are other colors mixed in, making it not purely red.

The suffix -ish helps convey that something has some qualities of the original word but not entirely, allowing for the communication of nuances and degrees. It softens the absoluteness of a word, making it less rigid and more adaptable.

In this context, when we talk about being Self-ish, we’re actually referring to the idea of prioritizing ourselves—but not in an absolute way; it’s about putting ourselves first while still caring about the needs and well-being of others. When understood through this lens, the idea of being Self-ish is actually a wonderful thing! It means you know how to take care of yourself and get your needs met, but not to the exclusion of, or at the expense of, other people. It is this balanced approach that allows us to be compassionate without having to resort to being ‘Nice.’  

And isn’t that why you’re here?

Being Self-ish, it turns out, is the goal. In fact, making yourself a priority without ignoring or dismissing other people is the entire point of having healthy boundaries in the first place. This is what gives you the energy to help others without losing yourself in the process.
​
Not only is this healthy, it’s downright essential.

---

📚 If you enjoyed this excerpt from my book and want to go deeper, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck) is now available on Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, and as an audiobook on all your favourite platforms 🎧