The Science of Setbacks

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​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

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Have you ever noticed that just when it feels like you’re finally starting to make progress toward your goals, something happens that derails your entire plan? Maybe an unexpected expense shows up, siphoning funds away from your dream vacation, or your car breaks down, leaving you stranded and unable to get to work.

Why does it always seem like just when we’re finally starting to hit our stride, something happens that knocks us off course?

Ugh.

While it might feel like the universe is conspiring against us, these seemingly random obstacles are actually just a natural part of how our brains handle change.

Our habits are controlled by a part of the brain known as the basal ganglia, which are deep neurological structures responsible for managing movement, routines, and decision-making.[i] The basal ganglia help transform our repetitive actions into automatic habits, so we don't have to constantly think about every little thing that we do. While this helps reduce our mental load, it can, unfortunately, make breaking a habit, changing our routine, or moving beyond the limits of our comfort zone a little tricky.

In his book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Charles Duhigg explains that any time we try to change our routines, it creates something called cognitive dissonance, a feeling of discomfort that results when our actions are not in alignment with what our neurology is used to.[ii] In response, our unconscious mind starts looking for ways to pull us back inside our comfort zone to ease the tension.

Think of it like your car’s GPS system. When you’re following a familiar route, everything runs smoothly. But the moment you take an unexpected turn, your GPS immediately alerts you and recalculates to get you back on track. In the same way, as you start setting new boundaries and stepping outside your comfort zone, your brain’s warning system will inevitably kick in and start sending signals designed to redirect you back to what feels safe and familiar. When this happens, you might find yourself facing unexpected scheduling conflicts, relationship tensions, child care hiccups, technological glitches, or even minor health issues.

Remember that your neurology is processing nearly 11 million bits of information every single second. To help manage that massive influx of data, our brains have evolved to filter out anything new or unfamiliar, instead continuously shifting our awareness back to what feels familiar and known. This natural filtering process is critical for our survival, but it can also cause our brains to cling to old habits and routines, making it difficult to change them—even when it’s in our best interest.

Since anything outside our comfort zone is unfamiliar—and therefore unknown and potentially threatening to our neurology—any time we start to move beyond the edge of what feels familiar, our unconscious mind will begin projecting our doubts, worries, and fears onto the people and situations around us in an effort to distract us and pull us back into the safety of what we already know. And, much like everything else in nature, our minds will always seek the path of least resistance.

So, if an argument with your partner usually works to make you abandon your goals and retreat into the safety of your comfort zone, expect that pattern to resurface. Or if unexpected disruptions—like a sick child, a family emergency, or a crazy work schedule—often make you think, “Maybe now’s not the right time,” those situations are likely to come up again.

These familiar scenarios are your mind’s way of recalculating your route to bring you back to what’s known and predictable. Luckily, once you recognize what's going on, you can start to see these challenges and setbacks as the true boundary tests they are.

Each obstacle, though frustrating, offers a chance to strengthen your commitment to your new boundaries and realign with Who You Are and how you want to show up in the world. Just as you wouldn’t bail on a road trip because your GPS took a wrong turn, you can use these challenges as reminders to pause, check your direction, and make any necessary changes to get back on track and keep moving toward your goals.

So, when challenges inevitably arise and shit goes sideways—celebrate!

It means you are moving beyond the limits of your comfort zone and are on the brink of a something truly transformative.

Does it feel awful? Definitely.

Is it normal? Absolutely.

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📚 If you enjoyed this excerpt from my book and want to go deeper, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck) is now available on Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, and as an audiobook on all your favourite platforms 🎧

​[i] Yin, H. H., & Knowlton, B. J. "The Role of the Basal Ganglia in Habit Formation." Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 7(6), 464-476, 2006.
[ii] Duhigg, Charles. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business. Random House, 2012.