​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

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Imagine your unconscious mind as the bouncer for an exclusive club. This bouncer is responsible for making sure only the right guests get in, keeping the atmosphere inside the club positive and enjoyable.

Most of the time, your unconscious mind does a great job, but sometimes it gets confused and lets in the wrong crowd. When that happens, the club begins to fill up with unwelcome guests like other people’s opinions, judgements or fears making it hard to enjoy yourself and find peace.

To keep your club's atmosphere just right, you need to help your bouncer recognize who truly belongs and who to keep out.

How can you do this? The answer, of course, is boundaries.

Think of your boundaries as a VIP guest list for your brain. Just like a bouncer uses a list to decide who to let in and who to keep out, your unconscious mind uses your boundaries to determine which thoughts, opinions, and emotions are allowed to take up space in your life and what makes it past your brain's filters.

By clearly defining what is and isn't acceptable in your life, you can shape your inner world and drastically shift your reality.

So, if you thought boundaries was just about saying 'No' without feeling guilty—think again.
​

​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.


I want to take a moment to help you connect more deeply with your intuition and unconscious mind by teaching you how to tap into the power of your imagination.

Believe it or not, your imagination is a powerful tool that can bring hidden sensations and emotions into your awareness and allow you to tap into insights and truths that are often just beneath the surface. This practice will help you better understand and trust the signals your mind and body are sending, setting the stage for the work we’ll do together.

For this exercise, find a comfortable, quiet place where you can sit or lie down without distractions. Make sure you’re in a safe environment where you can close your eyes and relax for a few minutes.

Step One: Extend either your left or right hand in front of you, palm facing up. Take a few deep breaths, inhaling deeply through your nose and exhaling slowly through your mouth.

Step Two: Close your eyes and imagine a small, 1-inch round pink glowing sphere of light resting gently in your outstretched hand. Imagine its warmth and the gentle weight it exerts on your palm. Imagine its vibrant pink glow, softly pulsing with light, and imagine any sounds it might make, like a gentle hum or a faint chime.

Once you have clearly imagined the sphere in your hand, raise your other hand in acknowledgment of this connection with your intuition.

When you are ready, relax your hands and open your eyes. Now, take a moment to reflect on this experience.

To deepen your reflection, ask yourself:

• How did you know when the sphere was there?
• What was the difference between the moments of "no sphere" and "yes, there’s a sphere now"?
• Did you experience any physical sensations or emotional responses when you imagined the sphere?

When you did this exercise, you likely noticed a subtle shift, a quiet knowing that the sphere existed in your hand. This tiny shift, so faint it’s like a whisper, is the sensation of your intuition. It’s the feeling that isn’t a feeling; the knowing that defies all logic. Although, intellectually, you knew there was nothing in your hand, engaging your imagination activated your unconscious mind, allowing you to sense the sphere.

What’s interesting is that MRI studies show our brains can’t distinguish between real and imagined experiences so when you imagine a sphere in your hand, your brain responds as if it were real, causing subtle but noticeable shifts. This process activates the part of our mind that deals with abstract concepts and non-tangible realities and can help you learn to tap into your unconscious mind.

The more you practice using your imagination, the better you can get at picking up on the subtle hints of your intuition.
​

​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

​
When I first began my journey of self-discovery, I, too, was at a crossroads in my life. On the surface, everything seemed fine—I had a decent job, good friends, and a family that loved me. But deep down, I felt a persistent emptiness; a nagging sense that something was missing.

By this point, I had already spent years bouncing from therapist to therapist, each time eager and hopeful to find the secret to creating a life I wanted to live. And each time, feeling more and more hopeless when I was ultimately deemed too broken to ever feel good. It wasn’t until I met my coach that things actually began to turn around for me. In our first session, she pinpointed something that 13 years of therapy and a four-year degree in Psychology had never addressed.

And it all started with the simple question: "Why are you here?"

Honestly, at first, I didn’t even know how to answer her, but the question stuck with me. With her support and guidance, I learned to take a long, hard look at my life and I began to question the stories I had been telling myself. I realized that much of my inner narrative had been shaped by the expectations of my family and a need to please others.

I had internalized so many external voices that I had lost touch with my own.

While it wasn’t always a comfortable process, as I started to peel back the layers, I discovered that healing old wounds and confronting my triggers was much easier than I had been led to believe. For the first time, I started truly listening to my inner voice, and the more I did, the more positive effects began to ripple through other areas of my life in subtle but profound ways.

I remember one night, just a few months after I started working with my coach, I was sitting on the sofa  watching TV with my husband, when a commercial for Canada’s Got Talent came on—a spin-off of the hit American and British talent competitions. By then, I had been singing for years, but always in private where no one could hear me. Aside from the odd karaoke night fueled by ‘liquid courage,’ the only person who had ever actually heard me sing was my husband who accidentally walked in on me belting out a power ballad one day.

As we watched the commercial, my husband turned to me and said, "You know, Jen, you should totally audition for that." While his words were encouraging, my immediate response was, "No way—I'm way too chicken for that!” But as soon as the words left my mouth, something shifted inside me. It was like an epiphany and suddenly a new thought bubbled up: Is that really the only reason? And if fear is the only reason, is that enough anymore?  

It was a profound turning point for me as it was the first time I ever thought to question the story I was telling myself.

In that moment I finally saw just how much I had let fear control my life and I decided that it would no longer be enough to keep me from going after what I wanted. That simple realization changed everything and it marked the beginning of a journey I honestly never thought I’d have the strength to take. Through the wonderful support of my coach, I began to rewrite my story. I learned to set healthier boundaries, not just with others, but with myself as well, and I learned how to listen to my emotions and learn from them. I finally stopped letting fear, guilt and obligation dictate my actions and, instead, I started honoring my true desires.

Oh, and I did end up auditioning for Canada’s Got Talent after all! While I didn’t make it past the first round (my knees were shaking so badly, it’s a wonder I was able to make any sound at all!), the real victory was finding the courage to change the story I was telling myself. Despite the fear, taking that leap was a pivotal moment in my life and it opened the door for me to explore other avenues that brought more singing and music into my life.

While the transformation didn't happen overnight, the more I replaced the rigid conditions in my life with healthier, more flexible boundaries, the more aligned with my authentic self I felt. My relationships improved, my sense of purpose became more clear, and I began to feel a more profound sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Having walked this path I have learned that everyone has the power to rewrite their story and create a life that genuinely reflects Who They Are at their core. But first we need to acknowledge the story we are starting with.
​
So, what is your story?

Still on the fence about whether or not you actually need better boundaries in your life? Here are some signs that the boundaries you have are no longer working for you:

• You often say "Yes" to others, even when everything inside you is urging you to say "No."
• You bend over backward to keep others happy, even at the expense of your own well-being.
• When someone hurts or frustrates you, you keep quiet, bottling up your feelings and storing away unspoken thoughts.
• You prioritize everyone else’s needs over your own and often feel burned out, overwhelmed and exhausted.
• You constantly agree to others’ demands while your own energy and time are stretched thin.
• You feel like you have to walk on eggshells and hold back your true thoughts and opinions to avoid conflict.
• You often feel overlooked, unappreciated, or like you don’t quite belong in social settings.
• You hesitate to ask for help, fearing you might be a burden to others.
• You struggle to say "No," even when you are feeling overwhelmed, because you don’t want to disappoint anyone.
• You feel guilty for taking time for yourself, as if you should always be available for others.
• You believe you need to earn love and approval by constantly giving, doing, or being "perfect."
• You often put your own dreams and desires on hold to support others in achieving theirs.
• You find yourself constantly apologizing, even when it’s not your fault, just to keep the peace.
• You feel responsible for other people’s happiness, often at the cost of your own.
• You notice that you often end up doing more than your fair share, whether at work or in personal relationships, because it feels easier than saying "No."

​​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.
​

​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

​It’s time to find out just how ‘Nice’ you really are. Are you at a healthy level of ‘Nice’, or are you on the brink of a full-scale, nuclear ‘Nice’ meltdown of epic proportions?Complete the quiz below to find out!
 
Step One:
For each of the questions below, answer with either Yes or No:

1. Do you consider yourself 'Nice'?
2. Are you great at putting everyone else’s needs first but forget about yourself in the mix?
3. Have you ever wondered, “If I’m taking care of everyone else—who is taking care of me?”
4. Are you always willing to lend a helping hand to others while your projects are left untouched?
5. Do people describe you as a “go-to” person or the one with all the answers?
6. Do you feel like you are being taken advantage of or are too understanding for your own good?
7. Do you like feeling needed?
8. Do you find yourself constantly apologizing and justifying yourself?
9. Do you find yourself agreeing with or saying yes when you don’t want to and then feeling resentful afterward?
10. Are you great at avoiding confrontation—at all costs?
11. Do you consider yourself ‘easygoing’ and often think it’s not worth speaking up and ‘rocking the boat’?
12. Do you struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety, or overwhelm regularly?
13. Do you often volunteer to help with tasks or responsibilities, even when overwhelmed?
14. Do you have difficulty saying 'no' to requests, even when you lack time or energy?
15. Do you prioritize others' happiness and comfort over your own?
16. Do you feel guilty when taking time for yourself or prioritizing your needs?
17. Do you frequently ignore or suppress your emotions to avoid conflict or discomfort?
18. Do you often feel drained or exhausted after social interactions or helping others?
19. Do you struggle to stand up for yourself and communicate your needs?
20. Do you feel responsible for solving other people's problems or fixing their issues?
21. Do you have difficulty asking for help or support when you need it?

 
Step Two:
Add up the total number of Yeses.

0-5: You are definitely Nice, but it is probably still manageable. You likely feel a wide range of emotions and are decent at speaking up and getting your needs met. For you, this book will introduce you to tools to help prevent you from wandering down that dark road of severe Niceness. And you may just gain some new perspectives on yourself or someone else in your life.

6-10: You are teetering between being a healthy level of Nice and wandering into the world of Too Nice. This is a caution zone where you need to be alert to any indications of getting too comfortable putting yourself last. For you, this book will help keep you from falling over the edge and give you ways to identify if, and when, it is time to bring in extra reinforcements.

11-15: You are really Nice and likely pride yourself on being this way. You likely feel it is your duty to sacrifice for the people you love and possibly struggle with knowing where to begin when setting healthy boundaries without feeling overwhelming guilt. For you, this book will serve as an essential step on your journey to healing your relationship with YOU and will open up new perspectives on how to offer kindness without sacrificing your needs.
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16-21: Warning! Warning! We have a toxically Nice person!  Chances are you are either walking around secretly, seething mad all the time, or you have so skillfully removed anger from your world that you may barely feel anger at all.  If you can’t remember the last time you got good and pissed off—welcome.  I am so glad you are here because this book is your wake-up call and your path back to a life filled with all the richness and joys of connection.

​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

CHAPTER ONE: Moving Beyond Niceness
 
Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start!) and begin by asking a simple question: how ‘Nice’ are you.

If your ultimate goal is to master the art of boundaries and become a true boundary-setting warrior, then the first step is to recognize how being overly ‘Nice’ and habitually putting others’ needs ahead of your own can quietly erase you from your life.

In this chapter, my goal is to show you why offering genuine compassion, rather than relying on relentless people-pleasing, is the key to a better and more balanced way of living.

The Problem with Being Nice

If you’re anything like me, you are probably wondering, what’s so wrong with being ‘Nice’? I mean, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be? From a very young age, we’re told by parents, teachers, and everyone around us to Be nice, Play nice, That’s not nice, and Ask nicely. We’re taught that being ‘Nice’ is the key to being liked, accepted, and valued in society.

So, isn’t being ‘Nice’ the ultimate goal?

Well, not really.

You see, being ‘Nice’ requires you to put other people first—to always be available for their wants, needs, and desires. And that’s great! For them. But when we spend so much of our time focusing on what other people want and need, it’s really easy to completely forget about ourselves in the mix. 

And that’s a problem.

As someone who considers herself a highly sensitive and naturally empathetic person, I know how easy it is to get caught up in taking care of others. I have a deep capacity to sense the emotions and needs of those around me, and I genuinely love offering support wherever I can. It feels good to be there for others—to help, to listen, to comfort. It’s a beautiful gift, and I’m grateful for it. But here’s what I’ve learned: even the most empathetic heart needs boundaries, and if I’m going to use my empathy as a superpower, I need to make sure I’m just as attuned to my own needs as I am to everyone else’s, don’t you think?

And see, that’s the rub. That’s the problem with being ‘Nice’ and having no boundaries: it ultimately requires you to abandon your wants and needs in servitude to the wants and needs of other people. It makes you super cool and chill to be around, and it will slowly erode your sense of self until you have nothing left to give.

Ouch.

The alternative, and what I hope to show you throughout this book, is how to be compassionate instead. How to use your knowledge of Who You Are to show up more authentically, love more deeply, and share more vulnerably.

You see, being ‘Nice’ is, well, nice. But being compassionate leaves space for you to exist as well. 
And that’s always better.

So, why should you listen to me – what makes me an expert on boundaries? The truth is, I learned how to navigate my way through the choppy waters of healthy communication and boundaries by sheer necessity and desperation. Growing up, I was taught that emotions were silly. That talking about your feelings was just bullshit psychobabble and that the only good and acceptable emotions were happiness and laughter—which means I learned to laugh a lot and am pretty damned funny if I do say so myself.

Growing up, I was taught that love—LOVE—meant never being angry or upset, always giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, and being willing to give in to keep the peace no matter what the personal cost or sacrifice. And so, I learned to stuff my emotions down. To turn them off and rationalize them away. To hide them from myself and others.

In other words, I learned to be ‘Nice.’ Which is kind of the default in society, isn’t it?

Let’s be honest, many of the significant dogmatic themes of this historical period revere the philosophy of martyrs—the idea of sacrificing yourself for some greater good, of suffering now for rewards later. 

This is all well and good, but spoiler alert: the martyr dies in the end.

Yikes.

And I get it because this is what I was taught, too, and as a result, I never really learned to trust myself. I think I feared that if I allowed myself to open up, even just a crack, like Pandora’s box, everything would come tumbling out, and I would be suffocated and consumed by a tsunami of emotions.

So, I learned to ignore my feelings; to push them down, and rely purely on my logic and rationale to get me through.

And it totally worked!

Until it didn’t.

Because here’s what I’ve learned about our emotions: the more we try to ignore them, the more stuck we get because they never really go away, do they? They just go into hiding.

They go underground.

Have you ever walked into a room after an argument or conflict and sensed that something was off? Like, a visceral or noticeable tension in the air? I call it Pissed Mist. There’s a residue that strong emotions leave behind and, when they are not acknowledged, this energy begins to infect everything.

And it will eventually start to consume you.

That’s what happened to me.

My Story: From Broken to Unbreakable

By the age of two, I was already learning how to be codependent and give up my own needs and opinions to please others. By the age of 5, I was starting to show symptoms of severe anxiety and self-injury. But it wasn’t until I was 19 that things got really bad for me, and that’s when I received my official diagnosis:

• Anorexia
• Bulimia
• Major Depressive Disorder
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Suicidal Ideation
• Self-harm (which means, yes, there are scars on my body that I put there). 

In other words, broken.

Every doctor I saw and every specialist I consulted all agreed: I was broken. And, in many ways, they were right. Because when a lot of very smart people, with a lot of impressive degrees on the wall and letters after their names, tell you you’re broken, how long until you begin to believe them?
Growing up, I don’t remember feeling broken. In fact, I had what I thought was a relatively normal childhood.  From the outside, my family appeared affectionate and united—albeit with a touch of eccentricity.  But as time passed, I began to notice inconsistencies that puzzled and confused me. Feelings that didn’t make sense, fears that had no basis.

Or so I thought.

As a child, I could sense something was off about my family, but I could never quite put my finger on it. As an adult, I learned that my mother lived with a personality disorder, which made emotional resilience and genuine connection exceptionally difficult for her. Despite her struggles, she still longed for the closeness and family she didn’t have growing up. While she did her best, much of the time her best was chaotic and sometimes downright scary. It could be fun and crazy, but it was also terribly confusing and lacked the kind of stability a young child needs to feel safe and loved.

And so, I began to break.

A lot of people think eating disorders are about weight or getting attention and, while this certainly plays a part, consider this: a person with anorexia uses their conscious willpower to override their body’s own built-in self-preservation mechanism. It is a slow suicide, a death by a thousand paper cuts. It is about fear and control; it is about self-loathing and shame. Anorexia is born of a profound and persistent desire to destroy and obliterate the self. To disappear from existence—literally. Trust me when I tell you that the level of pain and shame required to starve yourself is not the result of not having a flat tummy or wanting to be a size 2.  It comes from a much deeper, much darker place.

​I know. I’ve been there. 

With each passing day, the pressure continued to build until the pain became unbearable and the fear began to consume me. I finally broke down. And that’s when we decided it was time for me to go to the hospital.

Those moments in the hospital come to me in spurts and flashes, movies of a lifetime that seem so foreign and long ago. But still, some memories remain. I remember sitting under one of those old TVs they used to have screwed into a corner on the wall (these were the days before flat screens and smartphones), and I remember wishing it would fall on me so the pain would stop.  I remember meeting with the on-call psychologist, a scrawny little guy with wire-rimmed glasses and a bowtie. I remember the scratchy feel of the hospital gown against my skin and how I liked it and found it comforting. I remember my dad going to a local donut shop at 3 a.m. and bringing back a batch of fresh-from-the-oven cheddar biscuits. 

And I remember Dwayne, an incredible soul who was part of the hospital’s Crisis Team (a team I would meet many more times over the coming years).  He was the first person to acknowledge me.

To notice me, not just my pain. 

He was the first person who told me I was not broken, but it would take another decade of pain and darkness to fully understand his message.

It wasn’t until I learned about a beautiful Japanese art form called Kintsukuroi that things began to click into place for me. 

Unbroken: Stronger Than Before

Kintsukuroi (keen-tsoo-koo-roy), which translates to ‘heal or repair with gold,’ is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery pieces with molten gold or silver, in essence highlighting the scars of the break. Rather than attempt to hide the injury or pretend it never happened, it was understood that the piece was more beautiful for having been broken and healed. These newly repaired pieces still held the essence of the original, but with something new added. While they weren't whole in the same way as before, they were no longer broken either.

They were, what I call Unbroken—stronger than before.

The ancient practice of Kintsukuroi taught me that our scars aren’t something to hide, but rather something to embrace as they are proof of our resilience and ability to rebuild and grow stronger. Just as a broken bone cannot break in the same way again, these repaired pottery pieces become more valuable and stronger with their unique golden seams. Similarly, as we heal, we too become stronger and more capable through the challenges we’ve overcome.

In 2010, I walked away from my eating disorder and began my journey back to health. And it all started when I stopped being ‘Nice’ and embraced a new way of showing up.

It all started with boundaries.

I often get asked about the difference between the concept of boundaries (which are healthy and necessary), with the concept of ‘walls’ (which are the exact opposite).

While both Boundaries and Walls serve the purpose of creating a sense of safety and personal space, understanding the distinction between them is vital for cultivating healthy relationships.

Just because this has come up for a few people this month….

Love is often described as a whirlwind of emotions, an irresistible force that sweeps us off our feet. But as the initial rush of euphoria subsides, what remains is a deeper understanding of love—one that encompasses not only feelings but also choices and skills.

So let me ask you: how good are you at love?