Have you ever noticed that just when it feels like you’re finally starting to make progress toward your goals, something happens that derails your entire plan? Maybe an unexpected expense shows up, siphoning funds away from your dream vacation, or your car breaks down, leaving you stranded and unable to get to work.

Why does it always seem like just when we’re finally starting to hit our stride, something happens that knocks us off course?

Ugh.

While it might feel like the universe is conspiring against us, these seemingly random obstacles are actually just a natural part of how our brains handle change.

Our habits are controlled by a part of the brain known as the basal ganglia, which are deep neurological structures responsible for managing movement, routines, and decision-making.[i] The basal ganglia help transform our repetitive actions into automatic habits, so we don't have to constantly think about every little thing that we do. While this helps reduce our mental load, it can, unfortunately, make breaking a habit, changing our routine, or moving beyond the limits of our comfort zone a little tricky.

In his book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Charles Duhigg explains that any time we try to change our routines, it creates something called cognitive dissonance, a feeling of discomfort that results when our actions are not in alignment with what our neurology is used to.[ii] In response, our unconscious mind starts looking for ways to pull us back inside our comfort zone to ease the tension.

Think of it like your car’s GPS system. When you’re following a familiar route, everything runs smoothly. But the moment you take an unexpected turn, your GPS immediately alerts you and recalculates to get you back on track. In the same way, as you start setting new boundaries and stepping outside your comfort zone, your brain’s warning system will inevitably kick in and start sending signals designed to redirect you back to what feels safe and familiar. When this happens, you might find yourself facing unexpected scheduling conflicts, relationship tensions, child care hiccups, technological glitches, or even minor health issues.

Remember that your neurology is processing nearly 11 million bits of information every single second. To help manage that massive influx of data, our brains have evolved to filter out anything new or unfamiliar, instead continuously shifting our awareness back to what feels familiar and known. This natural filtering process is critical for our survival, but it can also cause our brains to cling to old habits and routines, making it difficult to change them—even when it’s in our best interest.

Since anything outside our comfort zone is unfamiliar—and therefore unknown and potentially threatening to our neurology—any time we start to move beyond the edge of what feels familiar, our unconscious mind will begin projecting our doubts, worries, and fears onto the people and situations around us in an effort to distract us and pull us back into the safety of what we already know. And, much like everything else in nature, our minds will always seek the path of least resistance.

So, if an argument with your partner usually works to make you abandon your goals and retreat into the safety of your comfort zone, expect that pattern to resurface. Or if unexpected disruptions—like a sick child, a family emergency, or a crazy work schedule—often make you think, “Maybe now’s not the right time,” those situations are likely to come up again.

These familiar scenarios are your mind’s way of recalculating your route to bring you back to what’s known and predictable. Luckily, once you recognize what's going on, you can start to see these challenges and setbacks as the true boundary tests they are.

Each obstacle, though frustrating, offers a chance to strengthen your commitment to your new boundaries and realign with Who You Are and how you want to show up in the world. Just as you wouldn’t bail on a road trip because your GPS took a wrong turn, you can use these challenges as reminders to pause, check your direction, and make any necessary changes to get back on track and keep moving toward your goals.

So, when challenges inevitably arise and shit goes sideways—celebrate!

It means you are moving beyond the limits of your comfort zone and are on the brink of a something truly transformative.

Does it feel awful? Definitely.

Is it normal? Absolutely.

📚 If you enjoyed this excerpt from my book and want to go deeper, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck) is now available on Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, and as an audiobook on all your favourite platforms 🎧

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​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.

As embark on your boundary-setting journey, I want to share some general guidelines to help lay the groundwork for the deeper work ahead. These principles will provide a solid foundation and ensure you have the tools and mindset needed to create boundaries that truly reflect Who You Are.

Your Feelings Are Clues: Emotions like anger, rage, hurt, complaints, or feeling threatened, suffocated, or victimized can reveal areas in your life where healthier boundaries are needed. Anywhere you are feeling these emotions—pay attention. That’s where you need some better boundaries.

Embrace The Discomfort: When you first start to share your boundaries, you may feel weird, awkward, or unsure—and that’s totally okay! These emotions are just your unconscious mind’s way of letting you know that you are stepping outside your comfort zone and doing something new—which is a good thing, even if it feels a little strange.

Prioritize Your Needs: You cannot simultaneously set boundaries with someone and take care of their feelings. This is the one that keeps a lot of us stuck because we want to control how others feel and what is happening inside their circle. When you set a boundary, the other person may feel hurt, angry, or disappointed—and that’s totally okay.

Remember, speaking up will likely require the other person to adjust their boundaries and move outside their comfort zone too.

Protect Your Privacy: No one can demand to know your thoughts or private business. Share what feels right to you, not what others expect. This is a big one for many of us who feel the need to unload every thought and emotion onto others in order to feel close to them.

Remember: you can be authentic and still have discernment and discretion.

Honor Your Individuality: Nobody has the right to tell you what to think, feel, or do—you have a right to your thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs. Anything within your circle is yours and yours alone. Other people not liking or agreeing with it does not make it any less yours or valid.

Be Authentically You: You have the right to be Who You Are and live your life on your terms—as long as you do so with compassion and respect for others. Let go of guilt for not meeting others' expectations. Just as you can’t control the circles’ of other people, they can’t control yours.

Accept Your Imperfections: You have the right to your imperfections and shortcomings without guilt. You are allowed to be human and perfection is never the goal.

Accept Yourself: Who You Are is entirely acceptable, just as you are now with whatever sensations, thoughts, and feelings you are experiencing.

Your Personal Playbookmight not be an expert in football, I do know that a team’s success hinges not just on individual talent, but on how well everyone understands and executes their roles. This is where the team playbook comes in.

A playbook outlines strategies, defines each player’s responsibilities, and provides plans for different game scenarios; it ensures that every player knows their position and how they contribute to the overall team effort. Without a playbook, the team would be disorganized, players would be unsure of their roles, and the game would be chaos.

Now, think of your life as a football game and yourself as both the coach and the player. Your internal boundaries are like your own personal playbook. Just as a playbook provides structure and direction to a football team, your internal boundaries give structure and direction to your life; they define your values, needs, and limits, allowing you to be able to navigate whatever life throws at you.

For example, a playbook helps the quarterback know when to pass, run, or hand off the ball, depending on the defense they face. Similarly, your internal boundaries can help you decide when to say yes or no, when to push forward, or when to step back, depending on the challenges you encounter. These internal boundaries ensure that you stay aligned with your true self, making choices that reflect your values and protect Who You Are.

So, what goes into your life playbook? What standards and guidelines can you set to make sure Who You Are is how you show up in the world? The beauty of it is that you get to decide!

Your internal boundaries are a reflection of your own unique values, needs, and priorities which means they are one hundred percent in your realm of control and fully up to you.

Think about what’s most important to you. What values do you hold dear? What are your non-negotiables? These elements form the foundation of your internal boundaries. For instance, consider how you manage your time and energy. Do you allow yourself enough rest and self-care? Do you set limits on how much of yourself you give to others?

Knowing the answers to these questions is an important part of honoring Who You Are.
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If there's one thing we humans often struggle with, it's our emotions.

No matter who you are or what you do, chances are you spend a good part of your day trying to push your feelings aside. But have you ever stopped to wonder what their purpose is? I mean, beyond making our relationships messy and keeping companies like Häagen-Dazs and Hallmark in business, why do we even have emotions in the first place?

Think about it: we are evolutionary beings, and any traits or habits that don’t support our species' survival tend to get bred out of our gene pool. Yet, somehow, emotions have remained.

Why do you suppose that is?

Believe it or not, your emotions are part of an intricate and complex communication system and they are at the heart of healthy boundaries. While, yes, they can be challenging and sometimes feel overwhelming, it turns out they are also key to successfully navigating our world.

From a biological perspective, your emotions are part of a sophisticated bio-feedback system designed to bridge the gap between your instinctual, unconscious awareness and your rational, conscious mind. This system translates your internal experiences and environmental cues into physical sensations and feelings, allowing you to understand and respond to your needs and desires more effectively.

The Hidden Messages of Emotions
If emotions are simply part of how information travels in your nervous system, and if each one is designed to convey important messages, wouldn’t it be nice to know how to decode them? Well, you're in luck! Here is your cheat sheet to help you start unraveling the mysteries of some of the key emotions that might be showing up in your life.

Sadness: Sadness signals that there has been some loss or change in your internal or external world. Whether it’s something big like losing someone important to you or something small like the coffee shop running out of your favorite drink, sadness draws attention to that loss. Its job is to help you process the experience and find deeper meaning in it. When sadness shows up, we naturally slow down, step back, and become more introspective. The purpose of feeling sadness, therefore, is to help us know when to pause and give ourselves time and space for healing.

When we mistakenly label sadness as 'bad' and judge ourselves for not being able to 'just get over it,' we miss the opportunity to use it as a signal that our soul needs soothing. By pushing away our sadness, we deny life's natural ebbs and flows and limit our ability to access an essential human trait: resilience. If, instead, we can learn to embrace our sadness when it shows up, we can process it, heal, and cultivate our ability to bounce back and grow stronger from life's challenges.

Fear: Fear is a signal that something is threatening your safety—physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Remember that you exist within four interconnected layers of reality, and the feedback from your emotions alerts you to changes or threats in any of these layers.

When fear shows up, it’s your neurology’s way of saying, “Pay attention: something dangerous may be afoot.”

Often, when we feel unsafe, we look around at our external environment and tell ourselves that everything is fine, attempting to dismiss our fear as silly or irrelevant. We forget that the other three layers of reality—mental, emotional and spiritual—also need to be safe for our neurology to operate optimally.

Guilt: Guilt is a signal that we have acted in a way that contradicts our values and what is important to us. For example, if I accidentally step on your foot, I may feel guilty because I see myself as a good person who doesn't want to hurt others. My guilt is my mind's way of acknowledging that hurting someone goes against my values, prompting me to reflect on my actions and make amends if necessary.

Unfortunately, we often place too much value on what other people think of us. When this happens, we start seeking acceptance from outside rather than from within, leading to guilt whenever we try to prioritize our own needs. This guilt can keep us stuck in the cycle of being 'Nice' and constantly seeking validation to feel okay. But here’s the truth: guilt was never meant to trap us in this cycle.

Guilt is meant to serve as a guide to help us realign with our values and what truly matters to us. It’s not supposed to be used as a tool for self-punishment or as a way of seeking approval from others. When we understand and address the real source of our guilt, we can harness it to strengthen and reinforce our own personal integrity.

Grief: Grief is one of the most transformative emotions we experience because it forces us to say goodbye to parts of ourselves and step into the unknown. Much like the Phoenix, a mythical bird said to live for centuries before burning to ashes and rising anew, grief calls on us to let go of Who We Were so that we can step into Who We Are Meant To Be.

I often think of grief as an honored guest no one wants to host. Imagine receiving a call that the King of England is coming to dine at your home. You'd be honored yet terrified, knowing this visit would turn your life upside down. Grief arrives with the same power. It shows up uninvited and disrupts our sense of normalcy, demanding our attention. It comes as a wise guide during times of great change, insisting that we release a key part of ourselves that no longer fits in our evolving life. Grief asks us to endure the fire, to allow ourselves to burn down to ashes, and to find the courage to rise again.

According to Fred Luskin, a prominent psychologist and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, grief and forgiveness exist on a continuum.[i] Luskin's extensive research on forgiveness suggests that the primary goal of healing from grief involves not just experiencing pain or loss but also embracing forgiveness, both for ourselves and others.

Anger: Ah, anger—the most misunderstood emotion of them all. While most of us have been taught that anger is wrong, it is actually designed to communicate when you are giving too much or not receiving enough. It lets you know when something is unfair and alerts you to injustices in your world.

And—are you ready for it—your anger lets you know where you need to set boundaries.  That’s right—anger is your body’s own built-in “Hey, you need to set a boundary” alert system! And yet, it is the first emotion we are taught to turn off because it’s not “Nice.”

Oops.

Historically, it makes sense that we would be told that anger is wrong and makes us bad people. Since anger is our warning alarm for when we are being taken advantage of, it’s no wonder those in power would want us to believe it’s not okay.

When we suppress our anger, it makes us more pliable and easier to control.

Anger is your own internal alarm that lets you know when your needs are not being met or when someone is crossing your boundaries. It lets you know it’s time to say something and stand up for yourself.

For example, if you find yourself feeling angry because a coworker constantly interrupts you, it’s your unconscious mind's way of letting you know that your core need for respect is not being met. Your anger isn’t inherently wrong, it’s simply a message letting you know it’s time to speak up!

Unfortunately, most of us are taught to suppress our anger. We are told it is inappropriate and wrong and that being ‘good’ means being 'Nice.' We are taught to prioritize the avoidance of conflict over the expression of our needs. As a result, we end up ignoring or bottling up our anger, which can eventually manifest as chronic stress, unexpected outbursts, and even physical illness.

When we are taught to suppress our anger, it might make us more pleasant to be around, but it comes at the expense of our own emotional reality. By swallowing our anger to be 'Nice,' we trap ourselves in a world where we’re not truly allowed to exist.

Yikes, right?

The good news is that by leaning into our anger, we can create space for the emotional aspects of Who We Are to exist.

Now, obviously, we don’t want to vent our anger on those around us or walk around being constantly grumpy or rude. So, how do we honor our anger as the powerful self-alarm it is without wrecking our relationships?

This is where boundaries are invaluable.

With healthy boundaries, we don't have to walk around seething mad or hiding Who We Are to be ‘Nice.’

With healthy boundaries, we take responsibility for our emotions—without making them someone else’s problem.

And it all starts with our anger.

​Understanding your boundaries means being able to recognize where you end and where other people begin; it means identifying what you can control versus what you can’t. This activity is designed to help you discover the edge of Who You Are, so you can clearly define your personal limits. By identifying this border, you can become more aware of your Core Needs, which will serve as the foundation for your new, healthy boundaries.
For this exercise, all you need is a pen, your journal or a notebook, and a few moments to yourself.
 
Step One: Identify Your Boundaries
Answer the following questions with at least 10 examples for each. I've included a few to get you started—feel free to use them as they are or as inspiration to come up with your own.

Q1. Fill in the blank:  People may not ________
Examples: Go through my personal belongings, criticize me, make comments about my weight, take their anger out on me, humiliate me in front of others, tell off-color jokes in my company, invade my personal space.

Q2. Fill in the blank: I have a right to ask for ____
Example: Privacy, a new hairstyle from an old stylist, peace and quiet while getting a massage, help around the house, more information before making a purchase, quiet time to myself.

Q3. Fill in the blank: To protect my time and energy, it’s okay to ______
Examples: Turn the ringer off my phone, take my time returning calls or emails, change my mind, bow out of a volunteer activity, cancel a commitment when I’m not feeling well, reserve a place in my home that is off-limits to others.
 
Step Two: Identify Who You Are
Complete the following sentences to help you get super clear on exactly Who You Are. Aim for 3-5 examples for each.

Q1. Fill in the blank:  I am ___________
Examples: Kind, Smart, Fun, Loveable, Funny

Q2. Fill in the blank: I am not _________
Examples: Stupid, Silly, Irrelevant, Dumb

Q3. Fill in the blank: I want ___________
Examples: Love, Money, Health, Pets in my life, Joy, Security

Q4. Fill in the blank: I do not want _______
Examples: Harsh words, Betrayal, Fear, Illness

Q5. Fill in the blank: I will ____________
Examples: Take care of myself, Eat healthy, Take my supplements

Q6. Fill in the blank: I will not __________
Examples: Expect others to take care of me, Ignore my needs, Stay silent to please others
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Since so many of us get this wrong, I want to begin by first clarifying what boundaries are not.

Contrary to popular belief, boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or being cold, rude or aggressive. They’re not about dumping all your frustrations and emotions on other people either.

Boundaries are not about unloading a laundry list of grievances onto another person, or dictating what they should or shouldn't do. While it may seem helpful to voice disappointment and offer constructive criticism, this approach often backfires, putting others on the defensive and obscuring the message of your boundary.

Boundaries are also not a platform for sharing your feelings. While, yes, expressing your emotions is a vital part of healthy communication, sharing your feelings is not the same thing as sharing a boundary.

Finally, boundaries are not a tool to get someone else to change their behavior. The reality is, people are allowed to be obnoxious, ignorant, know-it-all jackasses, and nothing you say or do can ever truly change that.

If you only share what you want in the sole hopes of getting the other person to change, that’s not a healthy boundary. In fact, setting boundaries with the expectation that the other person will change is a form of covert manipulation that can undermine connection and completely break trust.

So, if boundaries aren’t about saying ‘No,’ venting your feelings, or telling someone else what they need to do differently—what are they about?

At their core, boundaries are about understanding your own wants, needs, and desires, and then expressing them in a way that empowers both you and the other person; they are about building a bridge that connects you to others—honoring both Who You Are and Who They Are as well.

Boundaries are what create a safe space where everyone involved can openly share their thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or negative repercussions; they are what allow collaboration and authentic connection to thrive.

Boundaries are about creating a space that honors the needs of everyone involved and—when done correctly—they are what allow you to express your desires without the burden of expecting the other person to do anything about it.

You may have heard love referred to as the underlying energy and vibration of the universe.

While you might be tempted to roll your eyes, it has been scientifically proven that love is more than just a feeling; it is a complex human experience that profoundly influences and shapes our emotional, psychological and physiological development.

Research has shown that the human heart emits an electromagnetic field that can be measured several feet away from the body.[i] The heart's electromagnetic field is not only the strongest rhythmic field produced by thehuman body, but it also plays a key role in influencing our emotional and physiological states.

According to the HeartMath Institute, a research and education organization dedicated to the study of the heart-brain connection, positive emotions, such as love, create smooth, synchronized patterns in our heart rhythms, a state they call heart coherence.[ii] When we're in this state, not only do we feel better emotionally, but we also think more clearly, feel less stressed, and enjoy better overall health.

Numerous studies have also highlighted the profound impact of love on our early development. Research by Bowlby and Ainsworth on attachment theory emphasizes that early emotional bonds and love are crucial for psychological stability,[iii] while studies on children raised in Romanian orphanages revealed extreme developmental delays due to neglect and lack of love.[iv]

Love, it turns out, is for humans what sunlight is for plants. Just as plants reach for the sun to thrive, we require love to flourish. Everything we know about love shows that its absence can lead to devastating consequences, including attachment disorders, cognitive delays, poor physical health, and social and behavioral issues.

Therefore, love is not a luxury but a fundamental human need that is essential for our survival. The question is, how do we tap into this powerful energy of love without relying on other people?

It’s actually quite simple: just do things you love.

That’s it.

If you break it down linguistically, the word selfish is made up of two parts: the word Self followed by the suffix -ish.

The word Self is easy as it’s what we’ve been talking about for a few chapters now. Your Self refers to your essential, unique identity; the Core Essence of Who You Are that goes beyond your labels, roles and social masks and encompasses all aspects of you on all layers of reality—physical, mental, emotional and energetic. It includes your body, thoughts, feelings, consciousness, and all the other characteristics that make you, well, You.

Now, let’s look at the suffix -ish.

If you were to think back to your grade school grammar days, when you first learned about suffixes, you might recall that a suffix is a linguistic element that you add to the end of a word to change its meaning or grammatical properties. It's like adding an accessory to an outfit. Just like a hat or scarf can change the entire look and feel of what you're wearing, a suffix can change the entire meaning of a word.

For example, take the word happy.  Adding the suffix -ness transforms it into happiness, changing it from an adjective to a noun. Similarly, adding -ly to the word quick changes it to quickly, turning it into an adverb that describes how something is done.

Now, the suffix -ish is particularly interesting because it introduces a sense of approximation or flexibility to the word it accompanies. It's a way of saying that something is somewhat like the original word, but not completely.

For example, if I were to describe my neighbor as tall-ish, you would understand that I mean they are somewhat tall, but not really tall. They may have some characteristics of being tall, but maybe not enough to be outright classified as tall. Similarly, if I say my shirt is red-ish, you can understand that it's mainly red but not entirely. While it might have an overall red hue, there are other colors mixed in, making it not purely red.

The suffix -ish helps convey that something has some qualities of the original word but not entirely, allowing for the communication of nuances and degrees. It softens the absoluteness of a word, making it less rigid and more adaptable.

In this context, when we talk about being Self-ish, we’re actually referring to the idea of prioritizing ourselves—but not in an absolute way; it’s about putting ourselves first while still caring about the needs and well-being of others. When understood through this lens, the idea of being Self-ish is actually a wonderful thing! It means you know how to take care of yourself and get your needs met, but not to the exclusion of, or at the expense of, other people. It is this balanced approach that allows us to be compassionate without having to resort to being ‘Nice.’  

And isn’t that why you’re here?

Being Self-ish, it turns out, is the goal. In fact, making yourself a priority without ignoring or dismissing other people is the entire point of having healthy boundaries in the first place. This is what gives you the energy to help others without losing yourself in the process.
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Not only is this healthy, it’s downright essential.

Think of your emotions like items you stuff into a closet.

When life gets busy, you toss your feelings in there, promising yourself you’ll deal with them later—but later never seems to come, does it? Over time, that closet begins to fill up, crammed full with all the stuff you’ve rationalized away, pushed aside or ignored, until it’s so packed the doors won’t even close.

Eventually, just like an overstuffed closet spills its contents into the room, those unresolved emotions start creeping into your daily life. Suddenly, you’re feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and anxious without even really knowing why.

To help manage this overflow, our unconscious mind has developed a way to reflect our unresolved issues onto other people, effectively forcing us to deal with them whether we like it or not. This adaptive mechanism ensures we can't run from our emotions forever. Unfortunately, it also means we sometimes react to other people based not on their actions but on our own unresolved feelings.

This happens through a process known as projection.

Projection is a concept that was first introduced by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud and is based on the idea that what we don’t address within ourselves will be reflected back to us by others.[i] Because we are so good at ignoring our feelings, either by rationalizing them or pushing them out of our minds, the only way for us to become aware of our unresolved issues is to see them reflected in someone else.

For example, let’s say you're feeling jealous of a friend's promotion, but instead of acknowledging and processing your jealousy and finding healthy ways to channel this emotion, you instead dismiss your feelings by telling yourself you're being silly, illogical, or overly sensitive. This rejection of your own emotional experience is deeply damaging because it denies an important aspect of Who You Are on the emotional layer of reality. When you do this repeatedly, your mind has no choice but to unconsciously project those rejected feelings onto other people.

You might find yourself thinking your friend is actually jealous of you and may even accuse them of it. In this way, you don't have to face up to your own jealousy—instead, you see it as the other person’s problem. This mechanism is helpful in allowing us to avoid dealing with our own difficult emotions but, as you can imagine, it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts in our relationships.

The Role of Triggers

Any time we push down or rationalize emotions we don’t want to deal with, those feelings don’t just vanish into thin air. Instead, they linger in the recesses of our unconscious mind, waiting for something in our environment to trigger them back into our conscious awareness. These unresolved emotions then get projected onto the people around us, which, in turn, triggers us to face what we’ve been avoiding.

Unfortunately, when this happens, we usually think our job is to suppress these feelings even more, or try to become less affected by them. What we don’t realize is that these triggers are actually signals, guiding us to explore and heal what’s been buried.

A few years back, we had some town workers come by our property to bury new lines for an internet provider. Before any digging started, the utilities and gas companies first came around and placed little flags throughout the yard to alert the workers to buried wires or other things underground that needed care or attention.

Much like those little flags, your triggers are your unconscious mind's way of alerting you to where your unresolved issues are buried so you can find and heal them­, instead of having to project them onto other people. While they may feel uncomfortable, your triggers are actually your greatest guides towards emotional resilience.

This means the commonly held belief that being triggered indicates something is wrong with us is completely false. In fact, your triggers are a sign that your unconscious mind is doing its job perfectly! It is simply bringing unresolved issues to the surface to be dealt with—which is exactly what it is designed to do.

The reality is, you were never meant to just "get over it" or push down your emotions indefinitely. Your emotional experiences are a vital part of Who You Are, and denying them isn’t an option.
Since repressing emotions forever isn’t safe or sustainable, our triggers serve as repeated opportunities to confront and heal what’s been buried.

And because they stem from our own unresolved issues or projected insecurities, it means everyone you meet essentially acts as a mirror, reflecting back to you all the parts of yourself you accept—as well as the parts you still struggle with. It is through these interactions with the people around you that hidden aspects of yourself are brought to light, offering you the chance to heal and grow.

So, that coworker who triggers you because they're always rude? It might actually be your projection because you’re afraid of being perceived as rude by others. Or that neighbor who is always being so loud and judgmental? You might be projecting because you worry that others see you the same way.

Freud and Jung believed that projection happens because our conscious ego, which maintains our self-image, can't handle "unacceptable" feelings. To manage this, it buries these feelings under emotional layers and disguises them as traits in others. This mechanism helps us avoid the discomfort of self-recognition by seeing our issues reflected externally and allows us to keep functioning while avoiding the immediate pain of confronting our own inner demons.

The problem is, when we don’t realize this is happening, our triggers and projections can cause misunderstandings as well as unnecessary conflict and drama in our relationships. We might find ourselves triggered and arguing with someone over their behavior, not realizing it’s our own hidden feelings that we are projecting onto them.

By recognizing projection for what it is, we can take responsibility for our own triggers and reclaim our projections, ensuring we create boundaries that are not driven by our past pain or traumas.

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​This is an excerpt from my book, How To Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck)—a guide for anyone ready to speak up, honour their needs, and feel more grounded in their relationships.
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Have you ever found yourself thinking, "I can just feel that person is judging me," or "I can sense that my boss is really upset with me"?

In those moments, when you’re attempting to understand or anticipate what someone else is thinking and feeling, whose energetic space do you suppose you are in? Are you in your own, or have you drifted into theirs?

It turns out, every time you prioritize someone else's emotions or thoughts over your own, you temporarily leave your own energetic space and step into theirs. While this is a natural part of human interaction, doing it too often can mean you’re spending more time immersed in other people’s energetic space than in your own.

And that’s a problem.

What exactly do I mean by ‘energetic space’?

Imagine your energetic space as an invisible force field that completely surrounds you in a large, protective bubble. This bubble is big enough that if you were to stretch your arms out to the side, your fingertips would just brush the inside of the bubble, still safely within its protection. Imagine that this bubble extends above your head and beneath your feet, enveloping you completely. This force field, or energetic boundary, represents your sphere of influence. Within this space, you have some measure of control over your environment, while what lies outside your bubble is generally beyond your influence and, therefore, beyond your realm of control.

Do this: reach your arms out as far as they can go and try to grab something on the other side of the room. No matter how much you may want that thing, notice that because it is beyond your immediate grasp it is beyond your ability to influence and control without bringing in outside help (like asking someone to hand it to you).

The same principle applies to your personal boundaries; anything outside your immediate space is more likely to be beyond your control. Your energetic space, therefore, represents your sphere of influence in the world.

Your energetic boundary is designed to protect you from being drained by annoying coworkers, rude strangers, or what I like to call other peoples’ oogedy-boogedy bad vibes. They allow you to interact with the world without feeling overwhelmed or drained and they help you maintain your inner peace, even when you’re surrounded by chaos. As a matter of fact, if being around negative people leaves you feeling burned out and exhausted, it might be because you haven't focused enough on maintaining your energetic boundaries.

In addition to keeping other people’s ick vibes out of your space, your energetic boundaries are also designed to contain all aspects of Who You Are, across all the other layers of reality.  This includes your physical body, thoughts, feelings, desires, beliefs, opinions, emotions, dreams, aspirations, and everything else that contributes to the entirety of Who You Are. Which makes your energetic boundaries pretty darn important, don’t you think?

Often, in our efforts to be accommodating, considerate, or simply ‘Nice,’ we can unintentionally let other people's thoughts, opinions, judgments, criticisms, moods, and emotions seep into our personal space. But here’s the thing: if your energetic space is filled with other people’s emotions and opinions, is it really still your own space?

Hmmmm…

Imagine you share a house with a roommate, and every day they leave something small in your room: a few coins, a pair of socks, or their forgotten keys. Over time, your room will start to feel less like your own space and more like a chaotic mix of your stuff and theirs. This is basically what happens when we let other people’s judgments, opinions, and emotions into our energetic space—it stops feeling like our own.

When we are constantly tuning into other people’s emotions and trying to read their thoughts it’s like being a radio that is picking up every station at once. Sure, you’re hearing it all, but you’re not able to really understand anything. Worse, the noise can make it hard to hear your own signal.  

The good news is that creating energetic boundaries is extremely easy, and you don’t need to have any awkward conversations to do it.

This means you can start right away.
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